Child 4 of many....part 1

Although, I think I'd like the rest will be born by another woman.

Early in our pregnancy we found out that Jacob's umbilical cord was inserted into the bottom of my placenta instead of coming out if the middle like it is suppose to. We were told that this could lead to preterm labor.  I don't think either of us were too concerned; in my mind all of my children had this same problem in utero and I simply hadn't heard about it because I had not gone to a specialist with them like I had been with this child. 

At 31 weeks pregnant I remembered that Levi had gotten his shoulder a little stuck on my pelvis on his way out and asked the doctor about this. He said that we would talk about it at my next visit when Levi was not throwing a fit because he'd gone without a nap.

At my next visit he talked about birth weight and told me there was a fairly significant chance that if Jacob went to term that he would probably be bigger than Levi - so there was a chance of him getting even more stuck. Which is big deal when he might not handle labor well because of the marginal insertion of the umbilical cord. Then the doctor proceeded to me that in the last week my amnion and chorion had started to separate and could be seen hanging and floating in my uterus. This was another sign that we might have preterm labor.

He suggested that we plan a c-section around 39 weeks. I was terrified. I wanted baby to be safe obviously but then there were all those what if questions. In the end I think what we had decided was that we would have a cesarean if it looked like he was going to be a big baby and went to term, and would try natural if he was preterm, opting for a cesarean if baby was in distress. 

On New Years days I felt terrible. No energy, light headed, my arms felt as if they weighted 500 lbs, I was burning up and my heart would race if I walked for more than a few minutes. So, of course I went to work. Around 1, I realized that I had been feeling better but that baby was not moving. So I went over to labor and delivery to get checked out. Of course baby started moving around within about 10 minutes of getting hooked up to the monitor. I was not contracting and they let me go. 

The next day around 3:30 I realized that I was spotting and possibly having light contractions. My doctors office was about to close so they said I could go to labor and delivery if I wanted to get checked out because baby wasn't moving too well...baby was moving well, but I went anyway. I was pretty sure I was having contractions and leaking fluid at this point. The fetal monitor was not picking up contractions, then they moved it and low and behold I wasn't crazy! They described what was on the monitor as "irritable uterus." They did a test to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid, I was no; nor was I dilated. They discharged me around 6 and I went home.

I was still having contractions but had been told that it wasn't labor- rather that irritable uterus, so I tried to ignore them... They went away until about 10pm when they started to get stronger. I laid down, they didn't go away and were getting more painful. I practiced my breathing and was eventually able to fall asleep around 11- despite on going contractions. I think I woke up at 12:30 in the middle of a horrible contraction. I quickly realized that I was bleeding actively again. I laid in bed for awhile feeling stupid about wanting to go back to labor and delivery, but at the same time my contractions were so bad that I thought just maybe it wasn't "irritable uterus." I called doc, he told me I should go back to the hospital. By this point I  was laying on the ground, rocking back and forth with contractions and shaking compulsively and trying to decide if I could drive myself to the hospital. Kyle decided that I could not and we made it to labor and delivery around 1 am.

Contractions we hard, short and right on top of one another, I was 4.5 cm dilated. They tried to stop labor, but half an hour later I was 5.5, and then six, and then talking to a neonatologist and being wheeled into a delivery room. I am still thinking the baby will be born in February because they forgot to tell me they had stopped trying to halt labor. I started bleeding a lot at some point, it felt like my sac of waters had popped, but it was just blood. They said my placenta was most likely rupturing because of how strong, sharp, short and close together my contractions were. They gave me something mild for pain, said if I needed more that I would have to have an epidural. At this point I think I had realized that maybe I was going to have a baby. With the medicine the contractions still had a lot of pressure, but did not hurt as bad. That lasted for 4 contractions. They checked me again, I was still 6. All this time they baby is doing really well, heart rate dipping a little, but at all the right times and doing what it was suppose to.

I decided that I was not going to have a mentally and physically traumatizing birth.  I had no idea what was going to happen, but come what may I was not going to feel it. So I signed for an epidural while the anesthesiologist finished up on someone else. I was 6.5. They prepped me, I'd already had my fluids so they could go right in with the epidural. 1st contraction- cleaning my back, 2nd getting needle in and testing meds on me,  time in between- oh maybe I have to push, and a quick check, "you are ten", third contraction begins- laying down as he finishes securing the tape "be careful it may still fall out." Height of 3rd contraction, "I have to push!" The nurse telling me not to- not pushing, but baby comes out anyway and is caught by the bed. Nurse quickly picks him up and puts him on the warm bed, I am thinking "I just had a baby, he is crying. That is good. How did he get over there without my umbilical cord being cut?"  Blood everywhere. Pools on floor, spots on curtains and walls, up to elbows on nurses arms. Now there are four people in the room, then 10. "Oh my gosh, I feel so much better, that epidural worked fast." I never actually got the epidural, my adrenaline and oxytocin kicked in hard and fast unlike I have ever experienced before.  Kyle on the other hand looked like he might pass out.

"Baby's umbilical cord was detached at birth" I hear, "you got it clamped right away?"  "Yes." 

Everyone was everywhere. Doctor pulling out my placenta. Talk of a blood transfusion for me.  Neonatologist telling me my baby will poop my own blood that he ingested, and that that is perfectly "normal" as is the blood that he is bubbling up through his tiny perfect lips. Kyle takes a picture and shows him to me, "his hand has an 'M'" I think, "probably no Down syndrome (there was a 1 in 25 chance)" I felt like I was the eye in the middle of a hurricane, calm, alert and "yeah, this is all normal, it is all okay."

I held baby for a minute or two and then they took him to NICU.

The flurry if activity was gone as quickly as it had come. I was alone. I'd been in the hospital for about 3.5 hours.  I think I cried then. 

Kyle got branded

I am working on a drop shadow exercise for my students, so that they can do an interesting layout of their branding project for their mini mailer portfolios. Turns out I didn't have a "branding project" of my own to use for the example, so I decided to use Kyle as my muse. He took one look at it and told me he took business cards to a recent conference he went to and didn't hand out one because he hates when people call him. Oh well?

Woah, Guys. . .

". . . Uh, Caitlyn? You're pregnant. What about that post you wrote a little while back about fostering and adoption? You know, that one where you bared your soul and told people you'd asked God to close your womb. Uh, where is God?"

No one has come out and asked this question to me directly, and I don't know if it is a question that people are even wondering. However, I feel inclined to answer it. And I'll answer it bluntly.

Our desire to foster and adopt children is still very much the plan. When we found out that we were pregnant we did not also receive a memo that the orphan crisis was over and that all children had found homes. In fact, I became more aware than ever before of just how badly children need parents who love   them as I dove into books about childhood PTSD and RAD.

I feel like in a society that does not value children that at least someone out there reading this thinks that I am out of my mind. A man at the grocery store recently said to me, "when I see people who look like you do now, it makes me glad that I chose to never have children." My response? "I have a water leak in my house that has destroyed my kitchen floor. My microwave is broken. My oven is broken. My AC is broken. My children are the joy of my life." Then I kissed each one of them. I wasn't hurt by his statement, just shocked, "really, you think these two beautiful boys are the reason I look frazzled?" Have you looked at the faces of the rest of the people around you, or did they not draw attention to themselves because they are not pushing a giant grocery cart with two percussion line ready boys in it, a cart that is also shaped like a race car? There is pain and suffering in everyone's face if you look for it. But, we see what we want to see.

Why do people assume, "ahhh, kids! Pain and misery!!!!" That is not how it is for us. But, there are a lot of kids in pain and misery, and our home, even with it's warped floor (PTL, all the other things are FIXED!!!!!), is still open to them.

-K&C

Project 35 of many...

Jonathan and Levi are moving into our old room, which means another mural had to be done. This time the summer sky. After designing this one, it was by far the easiest and least time consuming mural I have done, it took about 3 hours!

Amos 5:8 will be written on another wall, and in fact, already is, but it looks really bad and needs to be redone. I think any verse that begins with "woe" is good for a kids room.

Woe to you who turn justice to vinegar and stomp righteousness into the mud. 

Do you realize where you are? You're in a cosmos star-flung with constellations by God. 

A world God wakes up each morning and puts to bed each night. 

God dips water from the ocean and gives the land a drink.

God. God-revealed, does all this.

And He can destroy it as easily as make it. 

He can turn this vast wonder into total waste. 

Bound to happen.

I knew it would happen eventually. I heard his name called, my heart faltered and my head quickly turned in the direction of the voice. There he was, someone else's Benjamin, the same age that ours would be.

"All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children."
Isaiah 54:13

Child ? of many. . . Laying it all out.

I feel in love this week. I was at the grocery store and saw a young man pushing the cart for his mom, he was probably 15 years old. Brown hair swept across his forehead, button-up shirt, medium build. He had this look about him that said he was greatly loved and cared for. I came home and told Kyle about him saying, "he was beautiful!" In a sea of people busily pushing about and ignoring everything around them, he just seemed so cool and relaxed, so unfazed by all that everyone else cares so much about. . . those things that I myself wish I did not care about.

You don't see many people like him, even though the "risk" is about 1 in every 800 babies. I saw one figure that said as many as 90% of children like him are aborted, lets say that figure it high and only 75% are, that is still 75% too many. As I am sure you have guessed, the boy I fell in love with at the grocery store had down syndrome. I should have gone up to his mother and told her how beautiful her son was. People do that to me in the grocery store all the time, "oh, you have such beautiful boys!. . . Eeek, they are so cute, you are giving me baby fever!" But, I'd never seen a child with down syndrome at the grocery store before and the thought did not occur to me until later. That momma probably really needed to hear that! I think every mom needs to hear that! It's hard getting kids ready to go anywhere, let alone make them look presentable and yourself. I wonder if she had ever been told that by a complete stranger?

Why do people have such a hard time accepting things that are a bit different than themselves? People with down syndrome are still people! They are just as innocent and you and I (which, is not very innocent. . . ) and as deserving of life! And, they are every bit as created in the image of God as "normal people" are. All people with "disabilities" are created in God's image and they, along with everyone else help us to catch different angles of God's infinitely great character.

This was talked about in Church (Podcasts> the only basis for human value) today and it really touches on what has been on my heart for the last few months, we are all created in God's image, and we belong to God, we don't belong to our government, our state, our spouse, parents or even to ourselves. We are God's and life is a gift, and to think that we have the right to terminate a life, no matter what stage it is in, be it someone else's or our own, is trying to play God, and it is a dangerous place to be.

I am Pro Life. I have always been, but, at various stages of my life I have thought it an "OK" option for other people because I believed it was their decision. I do not think that anymore. I believe that life belongs to God and we have no right touching what isn't ours. God gave us lots of things to take care of, and we've screwed all that up - let's leave human kind alone and stop killing one another.  (Completely aside, I've never understood the argument of "the baby is not viable without the mother"- I feel like most people (myself included) are not viable without the grocery store. There are people who are exceptions, but, most of us need someone else to help us survive - that condition does not condone ending someone life. )

Up until recently I would save I have been a rather apathetic Pro Lifer, and not because I don't stand in front of Plan Parenthood with a sign, but, because I've said, "Adoption, not abortion!" but, took the natural children route to having a family.

A few months ago I prayed one of the hardest prayers I have ever prayed in my life. I asked God to close my womb and to give us children through domestic fostering and adoption, and I asked for kids, not babies.

If you've never had a baby before, let me tell you what it is like for me. Imagine the most wonderful gift you've ever received and then multiply it by 10,000. I understand that it is not like this for everyone, and there are many women (and men) that don't want babies(or children), and that is fine! But, I love babies! But, I've already been blessed with two, and there are lots of people out there who also want babies, but, haven't had one yet. People would probably fight over babies if they could, so I'll try to stay out of that. There are so many kids in the foster system who do not have people fighting for them, some who are completely "normal" and others who have many disabilities. I think being Pro Life means caring for orphans, and Lord willing that is what Kyle and I are setting out to do.

Is the first child that we bring into our home going to have severe disabilities ? No. At this point in my life I know that I cannot handle that, I am far, far, far too selfish.  I am not sure if that is trying to play God or not. Is the idea of bringing a child with severe disabilities into our home out of the question? No. There was a time in my life where I was probably (I say probably because I have 5 younger siblings, and have always thought myself pretty capable. . . )not mature enough to raise children, now I've managed to raise one to 2 + years, and another to almost 1, and most days I can handle them just fine. Yes, now and again I want a break, but, when they go to bed I look at pictures of them on my computer and want to wake them up. So, I think the plan is to just keep adding to the load and see where we end up. That may be playing it safe, I don't know, this is all new for us.

So, in the coming years our family may look a little different than yours, we hope that you can support us in this. We pray that we will do an enviable job in raising our family, because we love life and want you to want life that is different than what you expected.

-Caitlyn

To those who may be reading this who have children with disabilities of any kind, it is my sincerest intention that I did not offend you in any way, shape, or form. I do not know what it is like to be a parent of a child with disabilities and I know it cannot be easy. I am positive that I am completely naive in this area. I want you to know that I commend you and think the world of you, and that I think you are doing a most excellent job raising your children. I ask for your help in the months and years to come. I am scared out of my skin that I will mess this up, the only greater fear I have is what happens to a child if no one ever loves them.

Project 34 of many. . .

This was the second room that I painted in our house. It happened one weekend when Levi was much more of an infant, and Jonathan went to visit his grandparents in Joplin.