Saturday, July 12, 2014

Where is your victory?

I laid Benjamin in the ground 3 years ago today. I remember walking up to the grave and feeling like their was no way I could ever let that coffin go, no way I could ever place it in the ground. Part of me had died and I couldn't let it go.

When I think back to that day the thing that strikes me as most bizarre is that I did not take the day off from work. I taught my class in the morning, came home, went to the cemetery, said goodbye to you, and then somehow thought it necessary that I go back to work  and teach my evening class.

I spent the day before Jacob was born lying on the cold, hard cement floor at work because every ounce of energy had drained from me and my entire body felt like it was burning up. I was working two jobs at the time. Right after Jacob was born I quit one of my jobs, but kept the other. It seemed good for me to keep it at the time, even though I didn't need that job for us to survive. Now I just wonder. . . what was I thinking? I had two kids at home and another in the hospital, surely they needed me more than my students.

In May I became a stay at home mom. Deciding not to work was a very hard choice, there were lots of tears involved and I felt like a failure. I felt like I should be able to do it all. You know, work 25 hours a week, make 3 meals a day, garden, sew cute crafts for people, educate my kids, be a wife, work out, relax, drive kids to swim lessons, read my Bible, journal, and take showers, and clean the house. Even now part of me looks at that list and thinks, "Okay, why couldn't you do all that, Caitlyn? It's not that much stuff."

But it was. It was too much stuff. And, I can't do it. So, now I stay home with my 3 bouncing boys and wonder how I ever did it all. I wonder why it took so long for me to bury the part of me that couldn't rest.

Benjamin dying was a life changing event. Jacob coming 7 weeks early and spending 7 weeks in the hospital was a life changing event. Part of me felt like it was dying each time those things happened. But, the biggest life changing event that has taken place was when I decided to kill my career and stop doing all those things that can seem so important at the moment.

I've heard over and over again my entire life not to "bury your talents in the sand." Moms, don't feel bad if you have to do that in order to raise your kids right and love your husband. I am focusing on the bigger picture. God made me a mom, I believe He is more interested in my weaknesses than my "talent." My weaknesses are 29, 3, 2, and 1/2 years old. God is about relationships and family. My resume is going to have a huge hole in it, my sewing machine will gather dust, my wool collection will probably be eaten by moths. And, I will be the better for it. Who would have ever thought that when you stop living for yourself that EVERY single aspect of your life would get better.


Crystal said...

Love this! Thanks for sharing :)

Anita said...

Well said. Thoughtful and heartfelt. Choices like these are always gut-wrenching.

My Faith Melody said...

I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you and your beautiful family. This is so beautifully written and a blessing to read. Thank you so much for sharing.